No, seriously.
I chose carrots today. Healthy veggie, right? I love carrots, so it shouldn't be an issue. I dragged out a bag of baby carrots and munched on probably a pound of them total. Weird thing was, I still had hunger pangs. Common sense told me to eat more or drink water, which I did. This didn't help, so I called my doctor. He said I could have some lean protein to help with the hunger. I had about 6oz of canned tuna. It distracted the hunger pangs.
In their place, however are pretty bad stomach cramps. So I called my doctor again. He said that the carrots have probably absorbed the excess water in my system and are sitting there in my intestines like a big lump.
Fantastic.
He suggested switching to peas or celery and upping my water intake. Said not to do any more protein. Just stick with the new veggie and more water. I tried the celery and drank two bottles of water almost instantly. I still have cramps. This thing SUCKS.
I know y'all hate the F word, but fuck this.
I can't do this. I like veggies, don't get me wrong, but I can't take this.
The stomach cramps and cravings aside, I'm ready to murder people. I got behind someone doing 59 in a 65 speed zone last night and was ready to run them off the road. Homicidal doesn't even begin to cover the mood swings I'm going through.
Enough's enough. I'm not this strong. And I'm certain there aren't enough alibis or English-speaking nonextradition countries out there to hide my ass when I go postal.
Metabolism? You're on your own, buddy. This bitch needs food.
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