Stupid Kid!

Dear Fareway Employee,
      I understand that you're a mere 19 years old and that you've never had to carry groceries into your house and therefore have no knowledge of an ideal sacking job...HOWEVER, common sense should tell you that those flimsy plastic grocery sacks were not meant to carry a 6lb can of tomatoes. Two bags would've even had difficulty, but one? C'mon.

     Now, thanks to your inadequacies as a sacker, I have a black and blue (and nearly broken) toe and I will be limping for a week instead of busting my ass at the gym like I'd planned. You? Are a frickin' moron.
 

Sincerely,
Me

That being said, it's not totally his fault that I won't be at the gym the rest of this week (but damn, it felt good blaming the snot-nosed little punk!). Mother Nature has decided to dump freezing rain & snow on us here in the heartland. Seeing as we have one vehicle and hubby can't take any time off of work, his only option is to stay in the city so he can get to and from work over the next couple days. This means that I will have no way to get to the gym. Some might say "WOO!!" but honestly, it's a big fat "BOO" from me. I enjoy the gym and I enjoy my workouts. I also enjoy the tanning session I treat myself with after I work out.

So...it'll be the weekend before I get back to the gym. Until then, I'm going to try not to overeat and be a sloth, but honestly? Home alone? Four days? I may not even get outta bed. *giggle*

Ahh, hello Wagon. I missed you.

I feel the need to start this blog out with a big apology to my followers. Many of you relied on my posts to motivate you and I let you down. I'm sorry that I haven't posted much fitness-related. I'm hoping that will be changing as of now.

I stepped foot back in the gym tonight. I started my HIIT program over from the start. 5 minute warm-up, 30 second sprint, 60 second slower pace, repeated 6 times, then a 5 minute cool-down. I did really well and barely broke a sweat, but I'm sure I'll feel it tomorrow. I will continue this stage for a week. Next week, I will do the same warm-ups and cool-downs with 30-second sprints and 30-second slower paces.

I will also be alternating my HIIT with a basic weight circuit training program. My goal here isn't to build bigger muscles, but strengthen what I have. Strengthened muscles will help burn fat more quickly. The cardio work I'm doing with HIIT combined with the weight training will help increase my metabolism.


Speaking of metabolism, I'd like to address the difference in mine. Obviously with the weight I lost from June til November, it's safe to say that my metabolism increased dramatically. I worked out on average 4 days a week for several months. I cut back in some areas of my diet, but generally speaking, I didn't go without what I wanted to eat. I may have eaten less of it, but I really didn't eliminate anything entirely. During the month of November and thus far in December, I have only gained 7lbs, which really, for someone of my size is not that much. It's a drop in the bucket. In fact, I could very easily be down those 7lbs by the end of the year. I knew having a high metabolism was good in order to lose weight, but what wasn't blatantly obvious to me was how handy that high metabolism would be when I fell off the wagon last month and it helped me basically maintain my weight for the last 6 weeks. That's pretty kickass.


So...that's where I'm at. I am gonna continue to bust my butt and hopefully by this time next year I'll be at my goal!

It's been a while...

This time of year is almost always tough on me. Financial constraints and family stress during the holidays are usually the trigger point. After the holidays I face the anniversaries of my parents deaths: my father's in January and my mother's in February. To say that winter is a bleak time for me is an understatement.

I battled depression from the time I was 9 years old. It was undiagnosed for years, then I spent another ten years on one psychotropic drug after another. I also spent years in therapy with psychologists who were hell bent on labeling me any and every way they could. Agoraphobic, manic depressive and narcoleptic were some of the most outrageous. I was prescribed meds that were typically given to schizophrenics and narcoleptics. It was unreal the amount of drugs I had pumped through my system in the 90's.

Since my days of diagnosed depression, I've done a lot of research on that particular diagnosis as well as the other diagnoses I was given during that time. I've come to understand what situations trigger that behavior in me and, over time, have successfully eliminated many of those situations. I've worked very, very hard to surround myself with supportive, positive people. People who build me up rather than break me down. I've also chose to cut ties with friends and family who reflect the behavior that I'm trying to avoid in myself.

As a result I've been med-free for almost three years. This battle is one that I dance with daily. I know myself and I know how easy it is to slip back into that depression. For my own self preservation, I have to remove myself from places and situations that may trigger those low points from me. Much like a diabetic has to regular sugar and insulin, I have to regulate being supportive to friends who may be feeling defeated and stepping away entirely to protect myself.

I spent ten years in a black cloud of negativity. I spent every day wondering if anything was ever going to go right for me. I wondered daily "Why me?" I stayed awake at night worry about the "What next's?"

I'm a firm believer that God only gives us what He knows we can handle. He gives us the tools to become strong and to recognize our limits. That ten year cloud was my limit. I can never go there again. I've come to realize what things I need to do to guarantee I don't reach those limits again.

It's not that I don't want to be supportive. It's not that I have no sympathy for those dealing with depression. It's not even that I don't understand what they're going through. The fact of the matter is - I can't help you without hurting me.

And that's not something I'm willing to sacrifice again.

Ever.