As requested...

...here I am.

I'm not sure what I can offer today except discouragement and frustration, but I'm here anyway. It's been a helluva week on a personal-level and doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. I won't go into it all here, but if you've got some prayers of strength and encouragement to send my way, that'd be great.

I'm still on the diet train, but my gym membership lapsed and I have had too many other expenses to renew. I'll get back on the train soon, though. I haven't worked this hard to stop now, that's for DAMN sure!

I'm also fighting off some sinus bug. My head's clogged and I'm tired all the time. I hate that feeling. It's one I haven't felt in a while, especially considering how healthily I've been trying to live, so I'm pissed about that more than anything. I don't have TIME to spend laying around sleeping and resting up...dammit!

I haven't weighed myself yet today, but I'm certain I've gained again. It's been an incredibly busy week and I've been having to eat a lot while on-the-go, which is never good and since I'm a stress eater and the last couple weeks have been extremely stressful, you can add that into my equation, too. I'll pull myself together one of these days and start kickin' ass again. I'm not too worried about that. This is just a setback, not a stopping point.

In the meantime, I *am* going to have an apple pie from McDonald's tonight. And I'm NOT going to feel the least bit bad about it either. It's either the pie or a bottle of wine. I remember a day not too long ago when it would've been both....times two.

Baby steps.

Who's that girl?

I meant to write about this over the weekend and it slipped my mind. How, I'm not sure, because it's actually one of those "WHOA!" moments that a fat girls dreams about.

I remember as a kid I played with my Barbie dolls and one of my favorite scenarios was to take my plainest doll and dress her frumpily, make her hair look simple and pretend that she was one of those girls who just blended into the background. Then I would imagine there was some sort of social function, like a dance or a party and I would transform my ho-hum girl into a beautiful woman. I'd jazz up her hair, dress her in my most sparkly outfit and find the greatest shoes. She'd walk into the room and the other dolls would whisper back and forth "Who's that?" I know Freud would have had a blast with that one because honestly, I always wanted that for myself.

I was never beautiful growing up. I was plain, chubby and a little on the frumpy side. I always imagined that same scenario for myself....the social event being a wedding, class reunion or something along those lines. Someday, my peers would see this huge transformation from chubby Melanie into beautiful Melanie.

I'm not to the point yet where I'm getting the double-takes (at least if I am, I'm not noticing them)...but I did have a mini-transformation moment Friday night. There was a wedding reception and many of the guests were people I hadn't seen since late winter/early spring. Some of them follow me on Facebook, so my weight loss wasn't completely shocking to them, but for many, they hadn't seen me since Sweater Season.

I can't tell you how many people nudged their spouse, asking them "Is that Mel?" But I do know that many people gave me that awkward "Hmm, do I know you" look before they recognized my voice. It's odd, actually. I've looked pretty much the same since high school, so for someone NOT to recognize me is completely foreign to me. I have to say, I kinda like it.

The surprised look on people's faces is probably my favorite part of this whole thing.

I like playing "Who's that girl?"

I only have myself to blame

Weigh-in this week wasn't good. I'm up 3lbs. I'm not happy about it and I was stubborn enough to pause for a few minutes and think about what caused me to gain.

Water weight? Mother Nature? Those Doritos from earlier this week? Muscle-weighs-more-than-fat?

Sure, I'd LOVE to blame any of those things, but I know it boils down to pure laziness. I haven't been to the gym like I should. I haven't been eating as well as I could be. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should be. It's all my own fault.

I'll own it.

And I'll have ONE more cookie (okay it might be partly Mother Nature's fault), then tomorrow? I'm kickin' ass at the gym again - as long as my back will allow it. I did seriously pull a muscle tonight and that's not a good thing when you rely on your body being in good shape.

I will say that I am trying not to be too hard on myself. This is the first gain I've had since I started. I've plateaued a lot and gone up or down a pound or so from week to week. Honestly, to have gone this far without the typical roller coaster I usually ride is surprising and something I see as a bit of a milestone. I'm usually up and down all over the place by now. The fact that I'm not is impressive, if I do say so myself. I think this proves (if to no one but myself) that this time is different.

So even this weight gain isn't a setback. I refuse to let it be. I've got new clothes I have to fit into. This scale-needle-moving-the-wrong-direction thing won't become a habit. Believe me!

Dangers of Splenda??

This isn't to pick on my girls who love their diet sodas & drink mixes...it's to widen your view of how dangerous artificial sweeteners are. We've known for years that Aspartame has caused cancer in lab rats. What's a weight-watching girl to do??

If McNeil Nutritionists are to be believed, we should switch to Splenda! Splenda is marketed as no-calorie, natural sweetener. It's made by combining sugar with chlorine atoms, which they point out are in numerous foods & beverages we consume daily. What they DON'T tell you, however is how dangerous excessive chlorine consumption is...or how more of it can be absorbed by those with healthy GI tracts, as opposed to those with unhealthy intestines. On the Splenda website, they don't tell you about the toxicity of the product, but they're sure quick to point out how it's FDA-approved and safe for children & pregnant women.

Based on EVERYTHING that I've read outside the Splenda website, I beg to differ. Don't believe me, though. Do your own research. Google "Splenda Harmful" "Splenda Side effects" and "Is Splenda safe". Read the links I've provided here:

Why is Splenda Potentially Harmful?
Splenda - harmful?
Splenda - Potentially Harmful to Humans?
Dangers of Splenda
Truth about Splenda
Sucralose Toxicity Information

Please don't think I'm preaching. I've BEEN where you are. I *LOVE* sugar. I love soda..and sweet tea. I thought I couldn't live without them...and some days I still indulge. But I refuse to drink the fake stuff. It will kill me FAR more quickly than the sugar in regular drinks. I've learned how to doctor stuff up a little bit...I add lemon juice to my water instead of Crystal Light. If it's cold enough, I can drink almost anything unsweetened.

Please do the research if you won't take my word for it. This stuff is NOT natural. It's NOT an alternative. It's death in a granule.

Dammit.

Fucking Doritos anyhow.

I was doing SO well. And that friggin' chip had to go and screw it up.

You're on my hit list, Charles Doolin.

I need motivation!

Okay, *I* don't need motivation, but that's the feedback I've gotten from a lot of you.

I hate to be the one to bear bad news, but if you want me to motivate you, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I can't do that. Your motivation has to come from YOU. I can tell you what motivates me. That might trigger something in yourself, but I, personally, can't motivate you. I wish I could! You'd all be size sixes by now!! :)

There are hoards of things that motivate me. It changes daily, depending on my mood. Typically though, when someone decides to lose weight, it's based on one of two issues: health and vanity.

Let's address the health factor first. This isn't one I'm immune to. To spell it out, my mother died of colon cancer when she was 50. I was 15. I was the one to take care of her throughout her disease and I would NEVER wish that job on anyone, much less my own children. My grandmother died of heart failure when I was a child, too. My sister suffers from diabetes & heart disease and has since her early- to mid-thirties. I'm thirty-five. I'm surrounded by health issues that could take my life if I'm not careful. I have entirely too many things planned for myself to die at a young age. I had to make changes. Permanent, life-long changes.

Vanity. Ahh yes, vanity. I could ramble on about how I hate my double (triple?) chin, how my thighs rub together when I walk, how I can't sit up to a table at a restaurant because my belly's too big...but if you've ever struggled with weight, you know all this already. My vanity is a more personal issue. I spent much of my life in this frumpy life of mine. I've spent the majority of my life with women like myself who don't see themselves as anything more than ____'s wife or _____'s mom. I was like that too. It was as if a light bulb went on for me. I don't have to just identify myself in relation to someone else. I'm my own woman! I've got a fabulous smile and amazing eyes and a fantastic personality, but because we're so fueled by appearances, nobody can see that, not even my husband.

Now, before it comes across like I'm dogging on my husband, I want to clarify this is NOT about him. He's a very very good man and loves me regardless of what I look like or how big my ass gets. But let's face it. After several years of marriage, the fire can slip from the flame, if we're not careful. That's where we're at. I know that my appearance (and lack of energy) is partly to blame. I don't blame HIM. I blame ME. When I feel like I look like crap, the LAST thing I want to do is get naked in front of him. I want to throw on my tshirt & sweats and crawl into bed. I don't want to have sex. But more importantly than that...I don't want to hear "God, you're beautiful" when the first thing that crosses my mind when he says that is "You're only saying that because you HAVE to. You're my husband." I've let my own hang-ups about my appearance interfere with my sex life.

No matter how many times he tried to convince me that I was beautiful...or that he loved me no matter what I look like, until I see MYSELF as beautiful, he's not going to convince me otherwise. And let's address that whole "I love you no matter what you look like" issue. To me, that's code for "I know your ass is twice the size of when we met, but I love you anyway." That's not a compliment. That's his way of settling for me and the size I've become. NOBODY should settle. Including my husband.

Hmm..I kinda got off track. My apologies.

What specifically motivated me?
I hated the way I looked. I hated the size I wore. I hated the fact that I had exactly TWO stores to choose from if I needed to shop for new clothes. I hated that I couldn't sit in an armed chair without those arms digging into my hips. I hated the fact that my seat belt choked me. I hated the fact that I had gotten so fat that my scale was just a few pounds away from NOT being able to weigh me anymore. I hated the way my belly stuck up out of the water when I took a bath. I hated the way other people looked at me. I hated the way *I* looked at me. I hated second-guessing what people thought when they saw the fat girl (uhh, hi. that's me) ordering a super-sized meal at McDonald's with an apple pie (or two). I hated knowing that my daughter had to lie to me everytime she said "Mom, you're NOT fat." I hated everything about my appearance, my confidence (or lack thereof), my poor health. I hated that I whined about all of that and yet STILL chose not to do anything about it. (That little revelation came to me about 2 yrs ago when I blogged at Sparkpeople)

Several months ago, I had the TV on and was watching "Half-ton Mom" on TLC (followed by "Half-ton Man" and "Half-ton Teen" and all the other "let's see how much of a spectacle we can make of these fat people" shows). It hit me. That is going to be me. One of these days I'm going to wake up to a phone call from TLC and they're going to want to do a TV show about ME and my fat ass. Okay, so reality check was cashed and I realize that's probably NOT the case, but really, as I watched the show, I realized just how many similarities I had with these people. My question for them was always the same: Didn't you see how fat you were getting? Didn't you want to do something about it? And I realized that I couldn't even answer those questions myself. I didn't see how fat I'd gotten. I didn't want to do anything about it...at least not for very long. Its not like they woke up one morning and they were suddenly 6oolbs and said "Holy shit! How'd I get here?!" The same is true for me. I didn't step on the scale every day and see 150lbs and then one morning, BLAMMO! 267! It snuck up on me....and if I didn't put a stop to it, I would end up that big.

That's where it started for me. That's what motivated me....realizing if I wasn't careful, I could become a reality show. While I sometimes have a flair for the dramatic, I do NOT want that kind of attention. Ever. I don't want to be the "fat lady freak show."

And with that, I'm heading to the gym. :)

It finally hit me.

..I'm not disgustingly fat anymore.

No, this entry isn't to fish for compliments. I'm honestly just beginning to see what is going on with my body. It's one thing to notice a little difference here and there. Or to see the numbers go down on the scale & measuring tape. Or try on new clothes (or old ones, which is even better than buying new stuff!) and have smaller sizes.....but when you look at a picture and think to yourself "Holy crap! Who's the hottie?!" and you realize "Whoa...that's me!" and you seriously have to take a second look, that's when it becomes real.

I was heading out tonight for a home-party at a girlfriend's house and since I've lost weight, I felt like I wanted to spiff up a bit. I had to touch up my graying roots today with some dye, so I had done my hair, threw on some makeup and chose some clothes that a friend of mine had given me a few weeks back (they didn't fit when she gave them to me). I had sis take a couple pictures of me with my blackberry and this is what she caught:

Who IS that woman? Has she really been held hostage all this time?

Hmm.

That's pretty amazing if I do say so myself!

Deep breath

I can do this.

I can admit publically what a fat slob I'd been.

I can do this. *inhale. exhale. repeat* I can do this.

*exhaling loudly*

People have wanted to know where I started, what size I was, what size I want to get down to, etc.

Here goes:

Starting:
267lbs
49" waist
50" hips
17" neck
Size 24

*trying not to hyperventilate*

Damn, that hurts when it's put in bold print like that. Eeeeeep! How'd I EVER let myself get so big? It disgusts me to even think about.

Where I am today:
231lbs
40" waist
44" hips
15¼" neck
Size 16

*breathing a little more easily*

I still have a LONG way to go, but that's good for starters, right??

My goals aren't necessarily in measurements, but if I had to pick a weight, I would like to see 165 by May. I don't know what size that is or what measurements it'll bring me, but that's my medium-length goal. IDEALLY, I'd like to see 135, but I don't think I'll see that without some major tummy tucking & lipo.

Jesus, did I REALLY just admit my real weight on paper??

One week down on Blockhead Twitter Biggest Loser

I was nervous about weighing in today because I had a weekend full of junk. Soda, fried foods, steak...even french fries. (Uggh, I KNOW!)

I stepped on the scale with my eyes closed and cautiously peered through one squinty eyelid.

231.

Wait. What??

231?!?!!?!

OMG! I LOST! And I didn't just lose the two pounds I *wanted* to lose, I lost THREE!

I hopped off the scale and grabbed my measuring tape to log my waist, hips & neck measurements for SparkPeople and was shocked to find that I'd lost inches THERE too! I'm down another inch of my waist (total of 9"), another inch on my hips (total of 6") and I'm down a half-inch on my neck - bringing me down almost 2" on my neck.

The triumph of my week, however, wasn't in weight loss or inches lost. It was in the world of fashion.

I'm down to a size 16. Something I haven't worn in over 12 years. I went through my closet a few weeks back and got rid of all the stuff that doesn't fit anymore. I ended up with two GIANT tubs of clothes to take to Goodwill, including all my jeans. As it's cooled off a bit, I've realized just how much I needed new jeans...you know, that aren't falling off my hips or cinched together with a belt. So I went shopping yesterday.

I don't normally spend a lot of myself, nor do I buy myself many clothes at once. I'll find something cute here or there, but to actually shop with the purpose of replenishing my wardrobe is a new concept to me. I digress. I walked out of Old Navy with two new pairs of jeans, an adorable denim skirt and the cutest little black dress. (Did I mention, there was HUGE sale at Old Navy?!)

Which reminds me...there's a new winter coat in my future too because I KNOW the old one isn't gonna fit. (Just tried it on. I look like a kid wearing his dad's coat. Sad...I liked that coat.)

So anyway...that's where I am this week.

Checking in

I joined Twitter's Biggest Loser this week and since I'm the most competitive person I know, I'm fairly certain I won't have a problem doing this. I'm pretty excited about it, actually.

I went back to the gym last week and I've been working pretty hard. Doing HIIT mostly, but increasing my pace. I also hopped back on weights and need to bust my ass on that for a while. I took some "during" pictures a couple weeks ago and noticed how big and flabby my arms are. I know my legs will always be big (gotta love genetics), but my arms....no way. I *will* get Madonna's arms before I'm done with this!

I am officially down 33lbs since I started this journey just 2½ months ago. I still have a long way to go yet, but I feel good about my progress and people are starting to notice a change in my physical appearance. Feels good!!

Motivation

While I have felt less motivated in the last couple weeks than I was earlier in this journey, I'm still plugging along. Worked out Friday and again Monday. I think I'm coming down with a bug, so I skipped my workout yesterday, but I'm heading in again today to do both weights & HIIT. We'll see how much I can do. Wednesday nights are my Girls Night Out, so that's my reward for busting my ass in the gym.

On a side note, I'm a bit disenchanted with Donnie Wahlberg right now. Where Danny built me up in my Meet & Greet in Denver, Donnie has managed to break me (and other overweight fans) down in an interview yesterday with Kiss 108 DJ, Matty.

The interview
Matty's Response this morning

Long story short, Matty made disparaging comments about how Donnie's fans have put on weight and he should talk to us about it. Donnie's response wasn't one of defense or support of his fans, but one of a warped justification for our weight gain, due to the after-parties at Waffle Houses across the country.

To say that I was hurt by his lack of defense would be putting it mildly. I won't go on and on about this, because quite frankly, it won't do me any good. But what I will say is that when my feelings are hurt, I hold that person accountable for their words or actions. Just because Donnie Wahlberg is a celebrity doesn't change that. Ask Jonathan Knight. He was impolite in Denver and I told him about it. He didn't remember the incident and didn't apologize, but having been able to tell him that I was hurt was enough for me. In this case, I would like an apology from Donnie. Not to me personally, but to the fans who were offended by his lack of response to Matty. Will I ever get it? Probably not.

The blind admiration I had for the man is probably permanently tarnished and I find myself questioning what he says now. That part hurts even worse than the comments that were made. Donnie's always said that its not how we look that makes him love us...but now I wonder. I'm seconding guessing him and his motives. I don't like that.

So where do I go with this?

Back to the gym. Because whether I've put on weight or not in the last 20 years is irrelevant. I'm making the changes I've made for more than just my vanity. I have to refocus my energy where it belongs: my health.

Donnie, you still owe me (and hundreds of other fans) an apology. I'll hold you accountable. I would do the same for a friend who'd mistreated me. Don't take it personally. You say you're humble...now, prove it.

Haven't blogged in a bit.

I've been pretty plateaued lately, which isn't a surprise after my vacation. I ate like crap, didn't drink nearly enough water and I didn't work out the whole week I was gone.

I'm down a total of 31lbs now. I've lost 7" off my waist and 5" off my hips. I'm hoping I can get back into the gym this week and crank up my workouts again. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday because I haven't had the car or a way to get there. I'll get back on track tomorrow, though and be fine.

I'm back to limiting what I'm drinking & eating again. Not eliminating the bad stuff, but just cutting back on the things that aren't working well for me, mostly starches & sugars, that sorta thing. I'm trying to eat more protein and may actually go get some protein powder from GNC or something to mix in my smoothies here at home.

I just went through the brutal chore of cleaning out my dresser and closets and am now the proud owner of about 1/3 of the clothes I once owned. Sad state of affairs for my wardrobe, but somebody at Goodwill will be grateful for my weightloss, I hope. Hoping to replenish my wardrobe soon, but sadly, it won't be at the same rate at which it was stripped. *laughing*

So that's that. That's where I'm at.

A total of 495 calories in a day isn't good, is it?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

It's not like I set out this morning and said "I think I'll consume less than THIRD of my allotted calories for the day. It just happened. I don't usually track my food on SparkPeople, just my fitness, so I don't think about what I eat. I keep a mental checklist of what I eat and I'm good with that. (I *hate* counting calories!)

But as I filled out my food intake today and realized that I was sitting at less than 500 calories, I couldn't help wondering how many OTHER days have I done this and not been aware that I've done it? Hard telling, to be honest with you. Which scares me.

Although this certainly explains the mood swings & fatigue I've felt lately.

I'll save the fact that I've had 16oz out of 64 oz of water for a different blog on another day. *sheepish grin*

(yes, I did eat some chicken and I'm drinkin a big glass of ice water as we speak)

Am I missing something?

*You've gone over your weekly calories burned goal by a significant amount. Your calories eaten goal will not adjust automatically. If you have increased the amount of exercise you are doing, you should update your fitness settings here to make sure you are consuming enough calories to support the additional activity.* (via Sparkpeople website when I logged my fitness minutes for today.)

Well, this definitely explains how I dropped 8lbs in two weeks and 30lbs in about 6 weeks. I'm burning a helluva lot of calories with my workouts, I'm building muscle with the weight training and I'm apparently not taking in enough calories.

Huh.

Isn't that kinda the POINT? Burn more calories than consumed?

The "Dietary Changes" I mentioned earlier

I'm a foodie.

Yep. I said it. I love food. I eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm bored. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat. I eat. I eat.

Obviously, this affair with food has led me to be the weight I'm at. I know that. I don't blame genes (although my mother was overweight, too). I don't blame McDonald's. I don't blame Barbie Dolls. I don't push the blame on anyone except where it belongs: ME.

So...when a foodie is looking morbid obesity in the face, what's a girl to do?

Ideally, she turns her back on the potato chips, french fries & brownies and she turns to carrot sticks, steamed asparagus and sugar substitutes, right?

Yeah, well, let's pretend that I'm NOT ideal.

Okay, who's pretending?

Anyway...I'm *not* the diet girl. I never have been. I've read hoards of books on this diet and that diet. I've researched Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers and almost every meal plan Richard Simmons ever developed. They. Aren't. For. ME.

"But Mel! It's SO much better for you!!"

Duh. You think I don't know that? Of course they're better for me. I should be eating a balanced meal (6 times a day, according to my HIIT workout) and drinking plenty of water. I should eliminate caffeine, alcohol and fried foods. I should avoid decadent desserts and creamy dressings. But I don't. I DO, however, limit them.

Like I said in a prior blog, a dietician once told me if I did NOTHING but eliminated soda from my diet, I could drop 60+ pounds in a year. That's where I started this time. I've dealt with horrible water retention and noticed when I didn't drink pop, my water retention wasn't as bad. Hmm. (This trial and error thing really rocks, btw.) So, I stopped drinking pop. I miss it...desperately!! But I don't miss the puffy ankles and tight skin. I don't miss having to stuff my pillowy feet into shoes that would fit if it weren't for all the water sitting in my skin. So I deal with the loss of my pop. (Don't get me started on diet pop. You're better off drinking antifreeze. Seriously. It's the WORST thing you could POSSIBLY do to your body!!)

The second thing (and probably the most difficult) I gave up was sweet tea. OMG - talk about withdrawl! Caffeine aside, I thought the lack of sugar in my diet was going to kill me. First pop, now tea, too??? I compromised, though. I found some flavored teas that I enjoy without sugar. (No, I'm not talking about the bottled stuff in the cooler at the store.) I make up a pitcher at a time and drink it constantly (I'm not crazy about plain water). Granted, it's not 100% water, but its better than not drinking anything at all, which is where I'm usually at if I'm not drinking tea.

Other dietary changes were to limit (notice I did not say ELIMINATE?) fried foods, rich sauces, creamy dressings and sweet desserts. Being a foodie, I'd rather you take my arm than my chicken strips, ranch dressing or brownies away. BUT...I do need to eat healthier so I compromise. Instead of ordering (4)buffalo chicken strips & waffle fries, I order a buffalo chicken salad. This cuts my fried chicken down to just one strip, adds lettuce (yay fiber!) and does away with the greasy fries (I'll miss you, potatoes!). I also notice that I can't usually eat an entire salad (they place I order them makes HUGE salads) in a sitting, so I spread it over a couple of meals. Then, instead of the soda I'd have normally ordered, I drink an unsweetened tea or ice water instead.

This is NOT to say I don't eat what I want when I get a craving. The other night on the way home from the gym, I wanted a milk shake. So I bought one. But instead of going to Dairy Queen and ordering a large chocolate dipped strawberry blizzard, I went through the drive-thru at B-Bops and ordered a small chocolate shake. A few days ago, all I wanted was french fries. Instead of ordering a large with a side of ranch, I just bought a small fry and ate them plain. I discovered about three diets ago that I can't eliminate stuff entirely from my diet because I get cravings...and if those cravings aren't met, I end up eating everything in the house until that craving is quenched. If I give into the craving when it first hits, I'm in FAR better control than if I try and ignore it.

It's all about baby steps. I know my will power and I know how far I can push myself. I also know my breaking point. I know by now that I can't go cold turkey and give up everything that's sculpted my eating pattern for the last 35 years. I know I can't. So I don't. Instead, I make the changes I KNOW I can stick with. That's all anybody can do.

Keep in mind no matter WHAT you do differently, it's DIFFERENT from what you've BEEN doing. If you get off your couch and do one lap around the block, that's a lap more than you did last week. If you switch from ice cream to frozen yogurt, it's X number of calories less than you consumed last week. The point is: MAKE THE CHANGE. Regardless of what it is. MAKE it.

And when you fall off the wagon (we ALL do. Don't bullshit me and tell me you won't. I know better. LOL), don't dwell on it. Get up, brush yourself off and get back on.